OT - Just a Joke

fancypiper · Post by **fancypiper** » Tue Sep 30, 2003 10:42 pm

A gentleman walks into the pub and places an octopus on the bar. The bartender walks over and says, "Get that thing out of here."

"Wait a minute," says the gentleman, "this thing is is a musical octopus."

Bartender: "The dickens you say. 'Tis no such thing."

"I'll bet you ten pounds he can play any instrument you place before him", says the gent.

"Done!" The bartender reaches up on the wall and takes down an old fiddle and bow and lays it down in front of the octopus. The octopus pickes it up, uses 4 tentacles to tune the pegs, taking about 4 seconds, then proceeds to play a set of hornpipes. The bartender pays off and the gent orders a Guinness.

After a few minutes, the bartender says, I bet he can't play this! He pulls out a brand new Generation that Joannie Madden had rejected when picking out a new one for Paddy Maloney. Nobody had been able to get a tune out of it if it went over octave F#. "Yer on," the gent says and lays it in front of the octopus, who picked it up, rotated it so that the windway was vertical rather than horizontal, then played the Rakes of Mallow in D and then in G using the third octave and it was perfectly in tune.

The poor bartender was getting desparate after he failed to win with a 5 string banjo, trumpet or a pan flute and was now out fifty punt.

He finally gets a bright idea. He goes up into the attic and gets his grandfather's old set of Great Highland Bagpipes and dashes back to the pub.

"I'll bet 50 pounds he can't play these!" and places them down in front of the octopus. It circles the pipes several times and tentatively moves the drones and chanter and examining the bag cover carefully.

"What's wrong? Can't you play it?" asks the gent.
The octopus squeeks back, "Play it? If I can get these pajamas off, I'm going to make love to her!"

Cyfiawnder · Post by **Cyfiawnder** » Tue Sep 30, 2003 11:48 pm

Jesus, and Moses went golfing one afternoon with a white haired old man they've known for a while. Moses teas off with a mighty wack from his Driver. The ball sails down the fairway hits the grass and starts to roll right toward a small stream.
Mosses Sudenly holds his driver over his head, and the stream waters part and the ball rolls right through, and onto the green.
Nice Shot says Jesus as He tees up his ball.
What that? Replies moses That was easy.
With a More gentle swing Jesus sends his gold ball aloft. Within a few seconds He too realises that the ball is headed for the "drink." Jesus gets down on his knees to pray and the golf ball rolls right across the top of the water and right onto the green to stop alittle closer than that of Moses.
Yer still away says Jesus.
The old man silently walks up the the teeing surface drops his ball right onto the grass and takes a stab at it with his pitching wedge. With a slopy swing and even worse contact the ball screams over the rough and bounces off of a rock and into a tree where it lands in a birds nest. The agitated bird picks up the ball and flys high into the air and drops it. The now aloft golf ball quickly plumets towards the earth way out of bonds. About 200 feet up the ball collides with a passing lost helium balloon and drobs gently infront of a squirel. The squirel picks up the ball thinking its a great big nut and heads back towards home. As the squiral crossed the green it realized that the ball was in fact Not a nut and promply dropped it, the ball slowly rolled away and lands right in the Cup.
JESUS! Bellows Moses.
Yes? Replied Jesus.
Do you think you could get you dad to teach me that trick?

Cyfiawnder · Post by **Cyfiawnder** » Tue Sep 30, 2003 11:51 pm

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960.

Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."

IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."

GaryKelly · Post by **GaryKelly** » Wed Oct 01, 2003 2:45 am

Q. Why do whistlers' farts smell?
A. So that deaf people can enjoy them too.

Cyfiawnder · Post by **Cyfiawnder** » Wed Oct 01, 2003 3:50 am

Too keep people out of their seat when the go to the dunny at a session

OutOfBreath · Post by **OutOfBreath** » Mon Oct 06, 2003 7:35 am

So, a bodhran player, who is also a computer science major at Texas A&M (aggies) doesn't show up for a session one friday night. Worried, the fiddler volunteers to go find him. The fiddler goes to the guy's room and knocks but doesn't get an answer. But, he thinks he hears water running. He tries the door and it isn't locked so he enters the room and realizes that the water is running in the bathroom.

Still calling the bodhran player's name, and getting no response, he finally opens the bathroom door and sees the bodhran player shivering and curled up in one corner of the shower, icy cold water running down on him because the hot water has long since run out. He's got a huge family-size bottle of shampoo in his hands and he's muttering over and over, "lather, rinse, repeat...lather, rinse, repeat."

Of course, it's obvious from the start that this is a joke and not a true story for several reasons...

...Nobody would notice that just one bodhran player was missing from the plethora of bodhran players at a session.

...If by some miracle the session only had one bodhran player, no one would go looking for him if he didn't turn up.

...Everybody knows that no fiddler would volunteer to miss even one tune at a session.

John