OT - Just a Joke

AnnaDMartinez · Post by **AnnaDMartinez** » Fri Oct 04, 2002 6:51 pm

OK, here's one: Three whistlers were out camping and playing under the stars. They and set up their camp for the night. They had their coffee on, and a big pot of stew on the camp fire, when up comes this HUGE seven foot tall guy riding on the back on a mountain lion using a 10 foot rattlesnake for a whip and hollering to beat the band! He walks up to the camp fire, downs the pot of boiling coffee one gulp, then grabs the pot of stew with his bare hands and throws it down his hatch with nary a second breath! He belches, and scratches his a$$ and says "Sorry to eat and run, fellas, but there's a mean motherf*cker after me."

_________________
Waiting for the Mothership...

[ This Message was edited by: Anna Martinez on 2002-10-04 20:57 ]

jim_mc · Post by **jim_mc** » Fri Oct 04, 2002 7:26 pm

Did you hear the one about the cross-eyed whistle teacher?

He couldn't keep his pupils straight!

(rimshot)

Walden · Post by **Walden** » Fri Oct 04, 2002 7:36 pm

But he had a good view of the window of his own tinwhistle.

Wandering_Whistler · Post by **Wandering_Whistler** » Fri Oct 04, 2002 8:34 pm

So, little Johnny always had trouble in math...his parents didn't know what to do. They were at their wits end. Finally, at the advice of their pastor, they enrolled Johnny into a private christian school, without the worldly distractions.

Immediately Johnny's math grades went up. And stayed up! Soon he was at the top of his class. Finally, one day his parents sat him down to talk with him.

"Johnny, we're so proud of you!" they say. "You're doing so well in math. The teachers here must be so much better than in public school."

"Not really," says Johnny.

"Oh...So, are the course books easier to understand?"

"Nah" says Johnny.

"We don't understand. Why are you doing so well in math now?"

"Well, when I went into class and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!"

[ This Message was edited by: wandering_whistler on 2002-10-05 00:19 ]

JimmyM · Post by **JimmyM** » Sat Oct 05, 2002 2:44 pm

In avanutria's link to "the funniest joke in the world", it said Brits enjoy plays with words. So, in order not to buck the trend:

One summer's morning, three Pieces of String were out enjoying a walk in beautiful countryside, WHISTLING as they went along. By lunchtime they were thirsty, so went into a pub.

The first Piece of String stopped whistling, went up to the bar and asked for three pints of Best Bitter. The landord said he didn't serve Pieces of String.

So the second PoS went up to the bar and asked again. The landlord said "I've already told your friend we don't serve Pieces of String here!"

The third PoS thought for a while, then carefully frayed the top of himself, tied his bottom part in a knot, and went up to the bar.

Said the Landlord: "I've told your friends the situation here! Are you a Piece of String?"

"No, I'm afraid not!"

tinhorn · Post by **tinhorn** » Sat Oct 05, 2002 11:45 pm

A Doctor, an Engineer, and a Politician were taking a break at a SESSION and got to talking about which one of their professions was the oldest.

The Doctor said, "Medicine is clearly the oldest profession because God put Adam to sleep and took out one of his ribs to make woman."

The Engineer said, "But engineering is even older than that because God created the universe out of chaos."

To which the politician replied, "Ahh, but who do you think created the chaos?"

avanutria · Post by **avanutria** » Sat Oct 05, 2002 11:57 pm

Here's one paraphrased from the book "The Truth about the Irish" by Terry Eagleton (the original story is about fiddlers):

Three whistlers were at a music festival. The first stepped up wearing an expensive black suit and carrying a full set of Copelands in a richly ornamented case made of Florentine leather. He took the high D out with exquisitely manicured fingers, placed it to his lips with a flourish, and began to play. And by God he was useless.

Then up stepped a second whistler, a bit of a Flash Harry in a sequined suit and spotted bow tie, carrying a well polished Chieftain. He placed it to his mouth, swept back his oiled locks, gave the audience a glittering smile and began to play. And by God he was useless.

A third whistler then shuffled to the front: a bent, wheezing little fellow in a Guinness-stained jacket with matchstick-thin legs and his behind hanging out of his trousers. He had no instrument case, just a battered old Generation he had played since he was a lad. By this time the audience had lost patience and was barely listening. But the little old man fixed the whistle to his lips with shaking hands, and began slowly, tenderly, to play.

And by God he was useless too.

tinhorn · Post by **tinhorn** » Sun Oct 06, 2002 12:02 am

And now for something completely silly:

A duck walks into a grocery store and approaches the manager. "Got any duck chow?", he asks.

"No", replies the manager, "But you might try the pet store next door."

So the next day the duck walks into the grocery store and approaches the manager again. "Got any duck chow?", he asks.

"No", replies the manager, slightly irritated. "Go try the pet store next door."

So the next day the duck walks into the grocery store and approaches the manager again. "Got any duck chow?", he asks.

This time the manager explodes, "No, and if you come in here again and ask that, I'm going to nail your little webbed feet to the floor!"

So the next day the duck walks into the grocery store and approaches the manager again. "Got any nails?", he asks.

"No", replies the manager, a little puzzled.

"Got any duck chow?", asks the duck.

A kangaroo walks into a bar (with his tin whistle in his pouch) and orders a Guiness.

The bartender stares in amazement while he pulls the pint and serves it.

"That'll be $10", he says, and the kangaroo pays.

"Excuse me for staring", says the barkeep, "but this is the first time I've ever seen a kangaroo in this bar."

"Yeah, well at these prices it'll be the last time, too." says the kangaroo.

tinhorn · Post by **tinhorn** » Sun Oct 06, 2002 12:15 am

A priest and a rabbi are having lunch at a pub and the priest orders a ham sandwich. In the middle of the meal the priest says, "Tell me Benjamin, have you ever tasted ham?"

Benjamin replies, "Once, when I was in college, curiosity did get the better of me and I had a ham sandwich."

After a few minutes, Benjamin says, "And tell me Michael, have you ever, ahhh, been with a woman?"

Michael replies, "Well, yes. Just before I graduated seminary, curiosity did get the better of me and I did, ahhh, know a woman in the biblical sense."

After a moment, Benjamin leans over and says to Michael, "It's quite a bit better than ham, isn't it?"

fluter_d · Post by **fluter_d** » Tue Oct 08, 2002 9:31 am

A woman and a man get into a car accident because both are whistling behind the wheel

. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are alright. This must be a sign from Him that we should be great friends". The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely".
The woman points to a bottle of Scotch on the ground and says "Here's another miracle. My bottle of Scotch somehow didn't break. Surely God wants us to toast our good fortune and cement our new friendship with a drink". The man nods his head in agreement and takes the bottle of Scotch and chugs half of it to calm his nerves. He hands the bottle back to the woman, who immediately puts the cap on and passes it back to him. The man asks "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No I think I'll just wait for the police..."

[ This Message was edited by: fluter_d on 2002-10-08 11:40 ]

fiddling_tenor · Post by **fiddling_tenor** » Tue Oct 08, 2002 11:05 am

An old Irishman walks into a pub in Boston. he walks up to the bartender, and orders three pints of Guinness. Initially curious, the bartender pours and hands him his three points. The regulars watch the old man as he shuffles to a corner table, sets down the three pints in a row, and then drinks a sip from each on in sequence.

When he's done, he walks up to the bartender and asks for three more pints.

"You know, Guinness goes flat might quick," says the bartender. "That's why I usually pour 'em one at a time. If you want, I can bring you one if'n you're tryin to save the trip."

"Oh, no thanks," replies the Irishman. "You see, me and my two brothers were real close, and when we left the old country to find our fortunes, we made a pact to always drink as we did together. So one pint's for me, t'others for me two brothers."

This continues for some months, and the regulars soon grow accustomed to the daily visits of the three-pint Irishman.

One day, the Irishman walks into the pub and orders two drinks. The hush in the place is deafening. The bartender slowly pours the two requested pints and watches the old man return to his regular spot. When he finishes, the old man returns to the bar for two more drinks.

"I'm sorry for your loss," whispers the bartender.

"Huh? I don't understand," says the old man.

"Well, for months, you come in and drink three pints for the brothers, and today you only ask for two. One must assume you lost a brother. My condolences."

The old man's puzzled look slowly gives way to a huge grin as he understands.

"No, no, you misunderstand. My wife and I joined the local Baptist church, and we're not allowed to drink anymore. But it hasn't affected my brothers any!"

fiddling_tenor · Post by **fiddling_tenor** » Tue Oct 08, 2002 11:17 am

Here's another one, edited for whistle-appropriateness (version I heard used a pocketwatch).

Two ministers were practicing their whistle tunes, when one lammented he was having trouble raising the funds for a new furnace.

"Let me tell you what I do," said the older, more experienced minister. And he removed a Copeland D whistle on a chain from his pocket.

"When we need a little boost in the weekly offerings, I slowly swing this in front of the congregation. As they become hypnotized by the beauty of the whistle, I simply suggest the amount they should contribute. Works avery time. But a word of warning. Don't do it every week, People might catch on."

Well that sounded like something to try, so the next week, the minister bought a beautiful Sindt and attached a chain. And he dangled in in front of the congregation-just like the older minister said, while he said "$100 per person."

Sure enough, everyone contributed $100!

He did this every three to four weeks or so, and eventually got to almost every week. Of course, it was too good to last.

One Sunday, he pulled out the whistle ans started swinging it in front of everyone as he ended the morning message. In his enthusiasm he accidently dropped the whistle, and it crashed to the floor, splintering in to little pieces.

"Oh crap!" he blurted.

They were cleaning up the church for weeks.

fluter_d · Post by **fluter_d** » Wed Oct 09, 2002 7:55 am

nbrock · Post by **nbrock** » Wed Oct 09, 2002 1:18 pm

The following is a true story. I was with a group of Lutheran students sitting around at the Campus Minisrty Center telling "Ollie and Lena" Norwegian jokes. The campus paster walked into the room and immediately started in with a "sermon" about how we shouldn't tell ethnic jokes about ANY ethnic group because there could be someone around of that ethnic group that could be offended. But being the serious individual and church historian that he was, he proceeded to tell us that the only ethnic group that it would be OK to tell jokes about would be the Hittites, a middle-eastern "Old Testament" tribe that was completely wiped out. There are no possible living descendents, and therefore nobody that could be offended by a "Hittite" joke. He continued, "For example, there was a Hittite named 'Ollie' and a Hittite named 'Lena'..."

Neil

Dewhistle · Post by **Dewhistle** » Wed Oct 09, 2002 10:04 pm

Do you need to know what an "Ollie and Lena" joke is to understand that one? If it's just me, that's okay, it won't be a surprise to me.