best way to mend a broken heart?

[Darwin]

First, give up all hope of salvaging the relationship. This may involve tears; let them come.

Then, just let it be in the past as it was. Clinging and pushing away are the major sources of emotional pain; avoid both.

[ennistraveler]

I buy new instruments to mend my broken heart. At least it makes me think of something else and to feel less lonely.

[NicoMoreno]

Play this tune.

Listen to it.

[Blackwood]

use the emotion to write a great song/tune, feel sorry for yourself, get drunk until you can't stand, if you still remember her in the morning repeat the previous steps until you do....

As miserable as you feel the glorious failures are as important as the glorious victories.......

[Cathy Wilde]

When my beloved decided he needed to "be his own man" and wandered off into the wilderness, I was amazed at how awful it was. It was like I had died inside, there was that big of a hole in me. And everything, EVERYTHING looked grey and parched and ugly.

And oddly, I'd been totally content before I met him -- but after he left, I just kept walking around going 'I've lost my soulmate, I've lost my soulmate, I've lost my soulmate ...'

But eventually, it did get better. In tiny degrees, sometimes almost imperceptibly, but it did get better.

And right about the time I started thinking "Hey, maybe I AM gonna live", he showed back up and said "It was horrible! But I did some stuff I needed to do, I got a little farther along in grieving my divorce, and now I know for sure .... I really want to be with you."

.... And then I kicked his skinny a** to the next county.



OK, seriously. I think the lesson was that we had to completely tear ourselves apart because (at least according to the universe), we weren't ready to be together in the right way -- we were too dependent on one another; we were stifling each other, almost, by clinging together so.

And it took some serious work to reestablish trust, etc. But in essence (with much discussion and constant working out of parameters, etc.) our old relationship -- one based on fear of losing each other -- has been replaced by one based on the joy of really having gotten to CHOOSE each other. Freely, in our own time, not bound by the whole romantic/soulmate ideal/hormones/fear thing.

In other words, we did some stuff, got some perspective, figured out what we wanted in a relationship, and yeah, it turned out that each other was indeed a workable option.

And now, because we know we can live without each other, we enjoy life together twice as much. Outside an occasional 'flashback', the fear is gone.

So I can't say if the universe has sent you guys on emotional walkabout -- i.e., maybe you're supposed to be together later -- or what. But I tend to take it as a sign that one, of both, of you still has some work to do before you're truly right for each other.

Or, perhaps, even more right for someone else.

Good luck, mon frere, and keep walking. I hope it gets better soon.

[avanutria]

I'm casting my vote for NOT keeping memorabilia. Any holes in my heart are memorabilia enough, thank you. Been there, done that. I recommend the cleanest break. Period.

A reasonable approach, and quite workable for some people. All I'm saying is that it's a lot easier to throw things away later than it is to retrieve what you've discarded.

[Cathy Wilde]

Although there is something truly "lightening" about at least boxing up all their crap. It was horrible while I was doing it, but after it was over I felt like I'd reasserted at least some tiny bit of control over my life ...

And though I couldn't bring myself to toss it, I did park it out in the nasty mildewy mouse-and spider-infested storage shed.

[aderyn_du]

Allow yourself to think about her, to cry at times, bawl, sniffle and drip snot, when you need to. It needs to come out.

Immerse yourself in those activities which give you pleasure - music, walking, dancing, reading, whatever.

Dwell on the good things in life: a blackbird singing in a tree, the sun reflecting on a lake, a curious snatch of conversation overheard on a bus.

In time, meet someone new who proves to be wonderful, beautiful within and without, your soulmate in mind, body and spirit.

Get married, have kids if you wish, grow old, die (smiling).

MarMil-- that was beautiful. You so absolutely rock.

[The Sporting Pitchfork]

-Drink and smoke excessively.
-Quit your job or find some creative way of getting fired.
-Call her at odd hours and tell her you're completely falling apart.
-Subsist on a diet of utter crap.
-Alienate your friends.
-Let your living space devolve into such a hole that rats will die of pleasure in it, buried under the six inches of garbage covering your floor.

Worked for me.

............Well, no. Not really........

[Wormdiet]

Sorry to hear it Amar.

I don't think the Bee-Gee's figured it out either.

The problem with many of the great suggestions so far is when your suffering, stuff seems to happen all around you to rub it in and remind you. If you take a walk you'll see someone do something exactly the way "she" would do it. If you play an instrument you'll remember a song that reminds you of "her". Heaven forbid you should listen to Country Western.

But as Mick Jagger said, "Time is on my side. Yes it is."

Weirdly, after I got divorced, the absolutely most painful thing I had to endure was. . . . grocery shopping. I'm totally serious. When you do trhe mundane things with joy with someone for 4 years, you develop a deep bond.

[cowtime]

Allow yourself to think about her, to cry at times, bawl, sniffle and drip snot, when you need to. It needs to come out.

Immerse yourself in those activities which give you pleasure - music, walking, dancing, reading, whatever.

Dwell on the good things in life: a blackbird singing in a tree, the sun reflecting on a lake, a curious snatch of conversation overheard on a bus.

In time, meet someone new who proves to be wonderful, beautiful within and without, your soulmate in mind, body and spirit.

Get married, have kids if you wish, grow old, die (smiling).

This is good advice except for the "have kids" part. My younger daughter has been destroying our lives for well over 10 years. Through drug abuse and all that goes with that. My whole-extended- family has been destroyed by this child. Add to this her drug addict husband and then the fun really steps up with the innocent 2year old daughter who is being raised in their world , and whose future is dismal. After huge amounts of support, money, a new home, drug re-hab twice,skirting legal problems, four years of methodone treatment, psycological counseling, for her and me, all paid for by us, I have given up today. A broken heart over a lost love is not even close to what a child can do to you. I am beyond the crying, enableing, pleading, trying to pretend things are ok. I even have no joy in my one and only beloved grandchild. I am now emotionally numb and doing my durndest to just shut down.

So, if you want to die smiling, forget kids, get a dog.

[BigDavy]

Hi Cowtime

Don't give up, fight for your granddaughter, she's worth fighting for.

David

[anniemcu]

Hi Cowtime

Don't give up, fight for your granddaughter, she's worth fighting for.

David

I agree... even if your influence on her is minimal, you will still be an influence. You may be right, that all is lost for your daughter, but please don't give up entirely on the grandchild. It may be as bleak as you think... but it may not be. Just *be* who you are and there for her when she seeks you out. That may all you can, but it may make all the difference in the world. I've seen it be so.

[Cynth]

Hi cowtime---It sounds like you are at the end of your rope. I wish you could get some support for yourself so you could get a little rested or feeling a little better. I don't know where you live so it might be hard and you may also have tried things that didn't help. I'm thinking something like groups they have for the families of alcohol and drug abusers or counselors who specialize in helping the family or just a counselor for you. No one can make this less painful for you, but I think someone might be able to help you deal with the pain so you don't end up shutting down.

[emmline]

Thanks Davy, Annie and Cynth for saying what I was at a loss to say.