acting like a friend versus actually being a friend

hyldemoer · Post by **hyldemoer** » Mon Oct 06, 2008 11:19 am

Is there a difference between acting like a friend versus actually being a friend?

Many of the qualities I'd identify as qualifying a person as a friend also seem (to me) to be a way to act when one just is trying to be polite.

Does it matter whether its a real friendship or if its just an act out of politeness?

Post by **Nanohedron** » Mon Oct 06, 2008 11:50 am

hyldemoer wrote:Is there a difference between acting like a friend versus actually being a friend?

Many of the qualities I'd identify as qualifying a person as a friend also seem (to me) to be a way to act when one just is trying to be polite.

Does it matter whether its a real friendship or if its just an act out of politeness?

I can only offer my own angle on this. A friendly acquaintance is only just that. A friendship goes deeper, and is often revealed when the chips are down.

I'll get that question from out-of-towners who are confused about "Minnesota nice": a lot of locals seem friendly, but are hard to become friends with. What's up with that?

It's easy to explain if you're local and have been brought up to think in terms of two ideas going on here:

1) Kindly manners and small acts of consideration are not seen as a sham, but as "greasing the civic wheels", as it were. We're all in this together, so we might as well make it as bearable as possible. Within reason. But these acts are merely the acts of good citizens, not offers of friendship. I get the idea that around my neck of the woods, at least, if you say "acted like a friend", that's something else altogether and means a sham WAS pulled, "acted" and "friend" being the operative words. "Friendliness" is just being pleasant and, sometimes, actually interested in the other. So, just for the record, I differentiate between "being friendly" and "acting like a friend".

2) Friendship, as I mentioned, goes deeper. Friendship means mutual support. It means kindred spirits. It means happiness in being together. And the clincher is that it unavoidably means mutual responsibility. Without these, you don't have a true friendship as I understand it. Realistically, one can only have so many real friends; otherwise you stretch yourself thin.

It's hard for newcomers that way. I'm aware of the difficulty in squaring the fact of inner circles with an outwardly friendly manner; many of us live in a spectrum of relationships, from the person you pass by, to positive regard with no strings attached, to friendship. These points are often in flux. Many, such as myself, are like cats and require a long leash, and give one in return.

avanutria · Post by **avanutria** » Mon Oct 06, 2008 11:54 am

I think there's a difference.

There are people who act like friends to me but I know I shouldn't go to them with big problems. They're cheerful enough when things are going well but shouldn't be my first port of call in a storm.

There are others who are friends to me and I know I can go to them with anything.

But I couldn't frame a list of qualities to describe which is which. It's more subtle than that, I think.

anniemcu · Post by **anniemcu** » Mon Oct 06, 2008 11:59 am

There is a line, I think between being polite and being friendly, and an even bigger one between 'being friendly' and being a friend.

Being polite means, at least to me: doing my best not to be offensive to someone, making sure they are comfortable, if I am in charge, and offering whatever is available to that end. "Would you like me to take your coat? Please take any seat you like. Can I get you something to eat or drink?", or holding the door for them, asking how they are feeling, complimenting a nice piece of attire, etc. That's also considered 'being friendly', but some people are civil without any friendliness.

Actually being a friend means much more, I think: offering to suspend discussion from your side if they need to vent about something, knowing how to offer a shoulder to cry on, a hand up, or a shield. Being able to ask for those same things. The comfort of knowing that you will not stand in judgement of them, nor they you, if you should disagree on something. Trust. It takes more investment to be an actual friend, than it does to be polite.

Polite = civility. Not actually trust, but at least benefit of the doubt. Friendship = mutual investment. Trust and support.

my $0.02

Oh, and I agree with Nano... the true test is when something bad happens. A real friend will still be there.

rh · Post by rh » Mon Oct 06, 2008 12:09 pm

A friend tells you when you have a booger hanging out of your nose where someone who is just being polite wouldn't mention it.

anniemcu · Post by **anniemcu** » Mon Oct 06, 2008 12:11 pm

rh wrote:A friend tells you when you have a booger hanging out of your nose where someone who is just being polite wouldn't mention it.

Though i would be polite and let them know subtly.

Post by **Nanohedron** » Mon Oct 06, 2008 12:13 pm

rh wrote:A friend tells you when you have a booger hanging out of your nose where someone who is just being polite wouldn't mention it.

See, that's the difference between "Minnesota Nice" and "Florida Nice". We'd point out the booger, get props for helping someone avoid a faux pas, and then go off into a corner and split our sides laughing.

anniemcu · Post by **anniemcu** » Mon Oct 06, 2008 12:14 pm

Nanohedron wrote:
rh wrote:A friend tells you when you have a booger hanging out of your nose where someone who is just being polite wouldn't mention it.
See, that's the difference between "Minnesota Nice" and "Florida Nice". We'd point out the booger, get props for helping someone avoid a faux pas and then go off into a corner and split our sides laughing.

I likes Minnesota nice!
Could be why two of my closest friends in real life are Minnesotans.

BillChin · Post by **BillChin** » Mon Oct 06, 2008 12:41 pm

The irony is that some folks treat strangers better than they do people close to them.

Friendship has no set definition, and may or may not be mutual. I remember an incident with a man that I didn't know very well. We both participated in a church group once a week, and sometimes met for dinner with some others before the meeting.

This went on for maybe six weeks. The man was having a medical procedure and needed someone to do errands and such for him for a couple of days. To my shock he asked me. I felt like I barely knew him, and did not consider him a friend. After thinking about it, I though that perhaps he was so isolated that perhaps I had become one of his closest "friends." A lot of single men live in that kind of isolation.

jsluder · Post by **jsluder** » Mon Oct 06, 2008 12:51 pm

Not sure who first said this...

"A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail, but your best friend is the one sitting next to you saying 'That was f***ing awesome!' "

djm · Post by **djm** » Mon Oct 06, 2008 1:10 pm

Whatever.

djm

dwest · Post by **dwest** » Mon Oct 06, 2008 1:33 pm

rh wrote:A friend tells you when you have a booger hanging out of your nose where someone who is just being polite wouldn't mention it.

A real friend would pick it for you.

mutepointe · Post by **mutepointe** » Mon Oct 06, 2008 2:41 pm

When told, "You have something on your nose." Always reply, "Is it money?"

Jack · Post by **Jack** » Mon Oct 06, 2008 2:51 pm

Friends can sit in the car silent for hours silently and it not be awkward. They can also sleep in the same bed and it not be weird.

susnfx · Post by **susnfx** » Mon Oct 06, 2008 3:08 pm

BillChin wrote:A lot of single men live in that kind of isolation.

And women.

Susan

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